Rotten

 

By the residency of the morning my heart pumped blood into my blasphemous soul 

I felt the liquid running through my veins to nourish my epicure vessels 

my heart felt agonized and so unused to life;

How can it win the war against my vessels?

they crave life while it is drowning in greed and cupidity

the feeling in my chest vacuumed my line of sight 

I laid solemn on my bed, my stomach churning and my mind still darkened by the atrocity of yesterday 

I asked myself : how can someone live in the shadow of sin?

How can a person find so much comfort in pain and horror?

it seemed that it was my only rescue to feel something 

I loved the cold for its cruelty

I prefer winter to summer 

as if the gray sky revealed a bit of the rage that ran within me 

I’d suffer, endure it, only to regain my senses  

it brought life to me 

it made me feel closer to god  

it felt so hypnotizing when things got better 

my wheels were stuck where sadness wrapped me and kept me warm 

my spirit extracted its will against time 

I was a tree with my roots stuck on the ground,

can’t help but  bleed to lift the ground off my wheels 

and when I finally did 

here I am all stricken and agonized 

can’t help but rot on my bed disabled, etiolated and feeble 

all vulnerable to whoever chooses to shatter me even more

my life condition was rotting : it is my only proof against my mortal suffering 

Hajar Ammar